I Have the Cure for OBESITY!

It took years of scientific evidence, a stong hypothesis, data collection, trial and error, and observations. Beyond my efforts in and out of the lab, I gathered my most important data from yesterday’s Oprah. So, after watching the tears of children, speeches by the Maxist herself  Oprah, I have come to the evident conclusion that I, Angela of Eat One, have the answer.

STOP FUCKING EATING.

I hope you were sitting for that milestone of righteousness. But, it’s true! Sadly as a society, we have come up with excuse after poor excuse of WHY people are fat. Remember the post long ago that has since been lost about Trans Fat…Fat does not make people fat, people make THEMSELVES fat. It really is a simple equation.

Although you make a decent attempt to teach parents what they already should know, I appreciate your insight, oh fairest Oprah. The truth is that making your kid’s lunch is a good idea, but would a kid rather eat whole wheat bread, no mayo and turkey? Or, would he like to stuff his bloated and chubby sausages into a styrofoam cup of oil soaked tater tots? Rhetorical question.

Making his lunch is a good idea, but you aren’t teaching your child to make good choices. Depriving him of something he wants is only going to make him want it more. He needs to want what he has, he needs to want that damn turkey sandwich.  He needs to want to be active; and no, Wii fit is not an acceptable subsitution for biking riding or soccer.

I mean Oprah, Lord of All Correct, can’t seem to grasp why on earth she is tipping the scales at a megar 200lbs. Well, your team of specialists has failed you, probably because you will push them into oblivion if they disagree with you. Plus, I don’t think I could ever trust a doctor with a name like “Oz.” But, hire me lady and I will give you the God’s honest truth: Put down the fork. Your thyroid? Sorry, you have more money that Christ himself and you are going to use that lame-ass excuse? You are fat because you made your self that way. I mean, waiting until you are almost 60 doesn’t make your attempts to be a size 8 any easier; it is about your lifestyle and it seems you haven’t made good choices during your fame, which is dumb. You can hire a trainer, you can hire a chef, you can hire someone to fucking spoon feed you like a baby bird if you wanted to. So quit complaining and have a salad, just hold the ranch dressing. Insead of stuffing your bovine, corpulent mouth with cheese doodles and orange soda, go for a walk. You aren’t hungry, you are bored. Stop watching Oprah and stop thinking about doing something. Get up off your lazy lard ass and do something about it.

 

 

 

The Cure is So Simple...

The Cure is So Simple..

 

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2 Comments

Filed under Facist Oprah

2 responses to “I Have the Cure for OBESITY!

  1. Kristin

    Best diet advice EVER. I’m gonna write this one down and leave it on little note cards for all of the fattys I see at the grocery with their carts overfilled with Twinkies and Coke. Because then I get an obese 3rd grader who can’t bend down to tie his own damn shoes. Tying shoes is not in my job description.

  2. HOLY SHIT, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is a breeder!?!

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